Ladies, I'm a chap. Just a chap. Nothing more. I'm not a psychologist or an agony uncle. I'm simply your average Joe Soap bloke. And it's why I feel pretty well qualified to tell you what guys expect from Valentine's Day. Chances are you'll agree with some of it, while turning your nose up at other bits. But if I can impart even a smidgen of information to make your quest to buy Valentine's gifts for him that bit easier, then my afternoon's work here is done.

Everything stems from the most important fact of all – never forget that your guy isn't a girl, unless you're gay (which is fine). Always bear in mind that your other half isn't you. Just because they don't adhere to the same strict Valentine's Day rules, it doesn't mean they're wrong. So for now, and with all due respect to any gay readers, I'm going to assume your other half is a fella…

Here's the crucial rule – when buying Valentine's gifts for him, remember he'll be happy with almost anything. It's very much the thought and the gesture that counts in his eyes. On this basis, don't break the bank and instead stick to the old adage, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." Crack out the apron, find your Jamie book and get cooking. I can guarantee you he'll love it.

Then what you can do is surprise him with some personalised wine or beer. In terms of the former, you can pick from red, white or rosé, all of which are available in three qualities, while beer-wise there's the choice of London Pride and Budvar. Both come with a matching beer towel and an engraved glass, which you can customise with his name and a brief Valentine's message.

And after the meal, treat him to a nice, relaxing rub. Feet, back, neck – they'll all do the trick. And it's totally free to you. Not to be sniffed at in these tough times. Then, let him pick the TV for the night. If there's footie on, don't kick up a stink. If it's a macho film, roll with it. And if any of it clashes with Corrie, just stick Manchester's best on Sky+.